Thursday, September 27, 2012

Living life...when there's not much left to live

So I debated on whether I was going to share this story with anyone, let alone everyone. But after telling a few people and seeing their reaction, I felt compelled to share this experience.

A few years ago (wow time goes fast!) I started my career in anesthesia. I've said this many times, but there were 2 people that stood out in my mind as going above and beyond to help me and make me more comfortable. One of them, we'll call her Kate for identity sake, took to me right away. She was the first person I ever called outside of work, the first person I introduced my husband to, and one of the only people at work that got me. Our friendship at work grew and it was awesome that she completely understood my sense of humor...the sarcasm...everything. She started calling me "little bitch" because I gave her the nickname "grandma". We even got a few people at work to believe that she was my grandma... she was barely old enough to be my mom.

Fast forward...Kate stopped working at my hospital in the spring of 2012. I was pretty upset since like I had mentioned...she got me. She was also pretty devastated about the situation. I spoke with her a few times and would text pictures of the kids whenever I got the chance. She loved the kids...would always ask about them etc. 

Monday I walked into work---and was immediately dealt with the news that Kate had 7-10 days to live. Shock. Utter shock. How could this be? She was at the Cleveland Clinic...Main Campus...remember this post? Immediately I knew I had to go visit...and a few seconds later the excuses started floating through my head of why I couldn't. My kids are sick. I hate going to main campus....like anxiety panick attack HATE it. I am too busy with work. They said she has 7-10 days this past Saturday...it is now Monday...will she even be alive when I get there? Will she even recognize me? Would it just be a waste of my time? Is she conscious? I'm on call tomorrow....and then its Thursday...how many days is that from Saturday? 1--2--3---4--5....five days...which is not seven...or ten. I have to go...but I can't. 

As if these excuses weren't bad enough....rumors started trickling in. I shouldn't even call them rumors..because in reality...it was just the truth. The cold, hard, raw truth. A few people had gone to see Kate already (apparently she had been in the hospital over a month and no one knew). The scene that they were describing sounded like something out of a horror flick. I know my co-workers were trying to prepare me....but the anxiety continued to soar. 

I see sick people everyday. I'm talking....really sick. People at the lowest points of their life. I take care of them all day long like its my job (..ok so it is my job). It doesn't bother me...as a matter of fact...it empowers me. We fix them...and fix them again...and fix them a third time. We fix so many people who have 1 foot in the grave that I began a whole knew reality of thinking that death doesn't even exist. I was in disbelief when my Dad passed away a few years ago because I truly started believing that people don't die anymore....we just fix them. I can look at people with tubes coming out of every orifice of their body, on feeding tubes, breathing tubes, and medically induced comas. Does not bother me. But its a TOTALLY different story when it's someone you know. And that's where I'm a coward. I would find every excuse on the planet to avoid seeing someone I care about...sick....let alone on their death bed. 

Tuesday rolled around...I had an excuse if I wanted to go that route...I was on call. Sounds good enough right? As the day wore on..my conscience grew stronger. Something inside me kept saying "this is the least you can do for someone who helped you so much" Everything aligned and I ended up getting done with work early...and Travis already had plans to pick up the kids. So off I went....down to hell main campus. My heart was beating through my chest as I drove through the pouring rain. Its funny how weather has a tendency to match moods and feelings. As I started making my way through the 8 billion skyways 
Remember? Oh..apparently its 9 billion...sorry. If you have ever been to the Cleveland Clinic, you know what I'm talking about...but they play this really trippy meditation music. It is NOT relaxing at all....it was actually very eery. The rain was pounding against the windows and I could see all the traffic zooming under me. Everyone was walking at me all dressed in white...and my thoughts were racing about 100 million miles per hour. Heart thumping...thumping...I almost turned around and went home. But I kept walking.

I walked in her room......she looked at me...and I looked at her. The tears immediately began flowing. The first words she said to me were this...." I....knew...you'd come....I knew it." Imagine the relief I felt. Trying to avoid tears myself, I immediately changed subjects to the kids. I showed her some pictures of Carson & Macie and she got a big kick out of that. Mentally she was about 50/50. One minute she made sense...and the next....it was an incoherent story about how the doctors were trying to get her....(but don't worry...she said we would get them first!). Sometimes she would just close her eyes...and deep down...I was terrified she would die while I was there. The scene that everyone had described at work was accurate...I won't go into detail...but I had nightmares that night. They hired a sitter to sit in her room with her since she had tried to pull out her lines before. She seemed very nice, but kept to herself. Sometimes when Kate would start talking silly...she would make a funny face. It made me laugh. Then at 7....it was shift change. I had been there about an hour, and it would have been completely appropriate for me to say goodbye at this point. We had shared a few stories...a few laughs..and she even called me "little bitch" once or twice. But something inside me said no...don't go...not yet.

A new "sitter" came in and took over. I saw them looking at me and giggling while giving report. Finally I said "I know you ladies are talking about me." And they smiled and said "we were just talking about how beautiful you are!" It was a really nice compliment...but I could tell..there was just something different about the new "sitter". She was so bubbly...and full of life. I talked to Kate for a little longer, but as the night continued...she became more confused. I decided it was time to go...but then I stopped and said "Kate...do you want to pray with me?" She immediately began sobbing and shaking her head yes. I grabbed her hand...it was so yellow with jaundice....I just can't even compare it to anything I've seen before. I took a deep breath and started...

"Dear Lord.....I just want to thank you for blessing us with this time. I want to thank you for blessing us with this beautiful friendship. I pray that you bless Kate's body...." and I could just hear Kate weeping. I needed a second to re-compose myself. I paused. I took a deep breath. And another one. And then I felt a hand on my left shoulder. The sitter began praying the most beautiful prayer I've ever heard. She was speaking through me. She was saying everything I wanted to say but didn't have the strength to get out. I wish I could even remember exactly what she said....but I was so moved that I just listened. It was a long prayer....much longer than anything I could have come up with. More meaningful than anything I could have imagined. She prayed for me...and my strength to sit bedside with Kate. I remember that part. She prayed with passion....more passion than I could have mustered up at that point. And when she finished....I said a few more words..and Amen.

The sitter then walked next to Kate's bed and knelt down beside her. The two of us began telling Kate about God. We told her that she's not alone...and that God will NOT give her more than she can handle. The sitter began telling Kate that this is just a test. God is testing us...and we don't know what the outcome will be...but we just have to have faith..."crazy faith" as she called it. I told Kate that it's not too late...it's never too late. Kate was more focused and locked in than she had been all night. She was focusing on every word we spoke. Nodding her head....locking eyes with us. And then she stopped and looked at me and said this
"I never knew....."
"Can I still tease you?"
and my response...was
"of course...and you can still call me little bitch"

The sitter and I began sharing faith stories, and I started telling her about some Bible studies my community group was doing. She immediately began looking up all the verses I was mentioning in her bible and was getting teary eyed with our discussion. She was seeing things in the Bible that she had read time and time again, but had never read. After a little while longer, I decided it was time to go. My phone was about to die...and after all....I was on call.

As I walked through the skyways back to my car (amazed I even found my way back)...I felt total peace. Calm. No heart thumping. Didn't even notice the rain...or the "white people"...or the trippy music. I put one foot in front of the other...knowing with each step...that I just changed my life more than Kate's. What happened in that hospital room was living. And if it was going to be her last day...or mine for that matter...it would have been one of the best.

Friday, September 14, 2012

The Moore's ate S'Moores

We had a little trip planned to Pine Lakes Lodge and invited some extended family to come along with us. It was a little odd because the trip was Mon-Wed, but I figured it would be nice to have the weekend to pack and relax and then a little getaway at the beginning of the week. The drive down went really smooth (which I was nervous about since it was the first long car trip since Carson was potty trained). We arrived at the lodge and immediately felt a sense of cum-by-yah as we were surrounded by beautiful hill tops and camels? true story.
ahhhhh.....stunning right? Monday was really fun! Carson went fishing with his new disney pole and caught more fish than anyone!
Cutest little fisherman if I must say so myself!! He then proceeded to tell us that he has seven girlfriends!!! Not sure how he has time for that....but apparently he's been pimpin in the sandbox or something. Crazy kid! Ok where were we.....next we taught him how to roast marshmellows!
He asked for a chair....apparently roasting marshmallows is hard work! And then we stuck to the clean eating diet shoved a bunch of S'mores down our throats because....after all..that is the name of this blog! Then.....an epic event happened! I invented something. Yes...moi...after 5 years of engineering school and about a billion dollars in loans, I finally put my degree to good use. I believe this invention could turn me into a Pinterest celebrity/goddess! It's called the Cookie Dough Crack S'More! And you my friends....will be in on the secret first! I'll even give the "how to"

 Ingredients
- 1 tube of chocolate chip cookie dough (disclaimer..consuming raw cookie dough can be bad)
-2 graham crackers
-2 Marshmallows
- Square of Hersheys chocolate (optional)

So the first thing you do is break off a piece of the chocolate chip cookie dough and roll it into a ball. It helps if the cookie dough is cold. Next Put one of the marshmallows on the roasting stick, followed by ball O' cookie dough, followed by another marshmallow. Basically a marshmallow cookie dough sandwich...are you following? Confused? See exhibit A
Okey dokey? Here's the hard part...making sure the cookie dough doesn't fall off into the fire. It helps if you start out with cold cookie dough, and also perfect ball rolling skills too. (Remember the protein balls? I'm pretty skilled at making balls....just sayin). Roast the marshmallow/cookie dough to perfection. Then sandwich the ooey-gooey mess between two graham crackers! And inhale about 6 more savor every last bite! Tah Dah!

After I called the attorney to submit my patent...we all sat around the campfire enjoying good company. Tuesday was fun...(sort of!). Murph (from Murphy's law...were close now..I can call him "Murph") decided to follow me down to Salesville, Ohio to my nice little family trip. Insert multiple runs back and forth to the ER (not going into details)...and move on to Tuesday evening. We grilled out and enjoyed some more marshmallow roasting (can you see where my clean eating went to hell at this point?). The sunset was a beautiful splash of red and yellows splattered amongst the hilltops (& camels) and the evening was absolutely perfect. Brandon and Rachel (Travis's brother and g/f) disappeared with their dog Alpine. We were all sort of wondering where they went...and when they returned, Rachel had a sparkly diamond perched on her left ring finger!
That was definitely a memorable highlight of the trip. Wednesday morning we enjoyed a calorie free wonderful breakfast made by the Amish people. Does that sound bad?...even if it sounds bad...it tasted delicious. Those Amish can make some salad bacon and homemade jam if I do say so myself. Something about when they put that little hat on...it just makes everything taste better.
 Ok..that sounds bad! 

Wednesday we had a nice little drive home, followed by a laundry explosion.  And if you think Murph couldn't find his way back from Salesville, Ohio...guess again. He wanted to prove to me that he has a good sense of direction by meeting me in the local Costco parking lot. See Below.
Splat!! that's where they got the saying about "crying over spilled milk"...or breastfeeding (those of you who know what I'm talking about...sorry...it sucks!)

Oh...and a follow up to the protein balls? I made them again following the recipe to the T.....and here she is
Perfection! I perfected making balls! Go me!


 




Thursday, September 6, 2012

Murphy hates me

I've mentioned my aforementioned love affair with Murphy's law before (insert sarcasm). Somehow I pissed off Murphy in a previous life because he haunts me daily.  For those of you who aren't familiar (consider yourself lucky)

Murphy's law- anything that can go wrong will go wrong

I cite examples to my mom and best friend on a daily basis, so they are fully aware of the catastrophes. But I decided to open up to the rest of the world about this problem, so everyone else gets an idea of why I kick kittens and pull little girls pig tails  seem flustered from time to time (like everyday).

Example 1: we had two packs of meat in the fridge...one was expired and one was still good. I told Travis I was going to cook up the meat and make some tacos. I look on the counter and see a pack of meat sitting there and just assume Travis set out the good meat for me. So I start cooking the meat and adding all kinds of yummy spices. I get almost done cooking the meat and I'm not sure what possessed me to look at the package again, but I notice I've just spent a half hour cooking the expired meat!!! So now I have to throw it all away, wash the cookware, and eat snickers ice cream for dinner start cooking the meat all over again. Either my husband was trying to kill me (I do have a decent life insurance policy) or Murphy was out to get me again.

This is just one small snippet example of what my whole day looks like. If you read the Cleveland clinic story, you know what I'm talking about. My life is full of dropping, spilling, traffic jams, eggs splatting  on the driveway, forgetting, rain on wedding day isn't it ironic? The thing is, I'm not all that great at handling these things because I'm a control freak. I like everything to go as planned and conversely I plan everything. I'm starting to get the feeling Murphy doesn't like planners. Or maybe God is just trying to tell me to slow down and live a little? Lately when I get frustrated I try to ask myself "will this matter in 2 weeks?" surely having to re-cook ground beef won't make a difference in my life in 2 weeks. (however getting mad cow disease might...haha). But even when I try to go with the flow, in the back of my mind I'm thinking...I must be nĂºmero UNO on Murphy's hit list.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Clean Mean Mom Machine!

Alright...so some of you have seen some random pictures of food I've posted and probably wondered what has gotten into me? Well about a month ago a friend approached me about doing the Advocare 24 day challenge. I could do an entire post on exactly what that is...and maybe I will someday, but basically its a weight loss/health gain challenge in which  you eat "clean" and take some supplements along side. If you know me, I'm a complete diet pepsi addict!!! But the part that frustrates my husband so much is that I never actually finish a can. So he will come home to a house with 6 partial cans of diet pepsi laying around....anyway back to the point. My friend mentioned that this is a good way to get off of Diet Pepsi and lose the last 5 lbs of baby weight gain some health. I knew I needed to do something because I was failing for months at getting the last few pounds off. So off I went..... bought lots of stuff at the grocery store that was on my approved "list", swallowed some cleanse tablets, and proceeded to drink the entire Lake Erie lots of H20!

Well something happened right away besides lots of trips to the bathroom (kidding). I started feeling sooooo good. The weight was just falling off even though I was eating the same amount of calories that I was before. I always knew how to eat "healthy and clean", but what I didn't know was how to get started. Once that part was figured out...I almost became obsessed about what I put into my body. I also started working out a little more consistently just because the weight was coming off and my muscles were starting to show a lot more. It was just a beautiful thing all around. If you want to know how to eat "clean", I highly recommend Tosca Reno's books. But basically you cut out all the processed crap, eat tons of veggies and fruits, lean protein, eat 5-6 times a day, drink Lake Erie once a day, and voila! Weight loss! Its everything we've always known to do...yet we just get stuck on how to start. The challenge ended....I lost about 8 lbs and 10 inches, but really it was just the beginning of my new healthy lifestyle. Now each night I spend about 20 minutes packing everything I'm going to eat the next day and it just feels great to load my body with healthy and nutritious food. So like anything....the minute you start a new hobby the next place you look for inspiration is..........Pinterest!
I began pinning a billion healthy and clean eating ideas (and some snickerdoodle blondie brownies...whoops). I decided I was going to try something new and make some raw and vegan protein balls! Sounds crazy right??

Well there were all kinds of different recipes for these "balls" of sorts. Some had dates, some had nuts, some had coconut, some had almond butter, some had quinoa etc. etc. etc. I couldn't decide which recipe sounded the best so I decided to make a "hybrid" of sorts and make up my own recipe. NOT. A. GOOD. IDEA! Do Not Make Up Your Own Recipe Of Protein Balls Period! basically what happened was ...I decided all of the sticky stuff sounded really good...bananas, peanut butter, dates, etc. And some of the other stuff I omitted....was more dry. It turned into a sticky mess.....see Exhibit A

It was a big ole sticky mess. Everything was stuck to my fingers....I couldn't get them to roll in balls. I tried freezing them first...that didn't work either. Basically I had to live forever and ever with "protein balls" as fingers. No...actually I licked my fingers because it tasted delicious. And my husband licked the foil clean of protein ball goo (true story). Then what happened next is even better......some of the lake water I was drinking spilled all over my "protein ball" assembly station. See exhibit B..
Ewwwww yuck right? Watery almond meal! But somehow despite all odds...mission was accomplished! And behold the glory of "protein balls"!! Tah Dah!!!
*tear* aren't they beautiful? Next time I will definitely stick to one recipe. I plan to make some more this weekend. They are great to keep in the freezer for a sweet craving attack quick little protein snack before or after a workout. Have you ever had a major pinterest fail? or tried to make a hybrid of recipes and it turned disastrous??